Facebook has a funny way of turning even the most tolerable humans into oversharing, overbearing agents of off-the-charts annoyance. Maybe that’s just the nature of social networking… or maybe Justin Timberlake is to blame? (I’ll re-watch The Social Network, and circle back…)
At any rate, there are some serious Internet etiquette faux pas that are unacceptable after you become a “real” fully functional adult (with rent, LinkedIn, and at least one failed career and/or long-term relationship). The first step on your path to digital enlightenment is acknowledging the problem areas, and nixing them from your newsfeed. You want to be taken seriously — it’s the only way you’ll ever get a bank loan.
Welcome to the Internet in the 21st century: where teenagers pretend to be 30-year-olds, and 30-year-olds act like teenagers. Let’s change that, OK?
- Blocking your relatives
Your mom’s on Facebook, dude. Deal with it. She thinks it’s lovely and enjoys all the nice videos of baby elephants. If you’re still worried about your family seeing your posts (on an online public forum), maybe it’s time to rethink the stuff you’re into. Unless you are a furry. Then please go ahead and block your parents. They don’t want to see that. Actually, block me, too.
- Posting “chain” statusesIf you think you can change fate with a Facebook status, I know a prince in Nigeria that might like to speak with you about your finances…
3.Being an annoyingly over-enthusiastic, semi-delusional sports fan
The whole reason televisions come with mute buttons is so we don’t have to listen to sports commentators. And those guys are professionals. Your daily soliloquy on why MAN-U lost to Mandera FC gives me some insight as to why your career as an sports anchor never panned out, or got started in the first place.
4. Obsessively posting about babies, weddings, and/or engagements
Facebook is designed to help us celebrate and share our lives, but not to the extent that you alienate everyone else on the planet with the uncomfortable glow of your personal success. Oh my God, I’m so happy your life is so much better than mine. Did you know more than half of weddings result in divorce, and 75% of kids turn out to be complete idiots?
5. Posting pictures and/or bragging about drinking excessively
Drinking all night and (occasionally) during the day certainly doesn’t have to stop after college, but documenting it with photo evidence probably should. The guy sipping on a bluemoon before his 9am English lit class was a legend. The guy sipping on a bluemoon before his 9am client meeting is a stumbling cry for help. Random people you aren’t even friends with have ingeniously creepy ways of Facebook stalking you — you want to look your best.
6. FLICKR/GAGE SKIDMORE
Going on rambling, incoherent political rants
Using Facebook as a platform to spout your political views makes you look a lot like the intoxicated uncle at the village dinner. You’re not going to change the world, or anyone’s mind, by stumping on election issues in between your cousin’s engagement photos and ads for safaricom’s phones. You have a right to believe what you want to believe, but we have the right not to care.
7. Talking bad about your job (past or present)
From what I’ve been told, part of being a successful adult is making and maintaining connections. Calling your old manager Beverly “a horse-faced goober who couldn’t close a sale if her life depended on it,” is a quick way to burn bridges, and sends a strong signal that you are kind of a sucky person in general.
8. Giving a shit about relationship statuses
Once you’re old enough to rent a car, you should probably strip phrases like “Facebook official” out of your lexicon. And, if you actually put “It’s complicated” on your profile, you probably don’t deserve the privilege of reproduction.
9. Desperately begging for someone to hang out with you
Act like an adult and accept your harrowing loneliness for what it is: a permanent condition. Sorry for the bummer, but don’t make all your friends think about it, too.
Have i left any other annoying habits? Let me know…